What Hurts The Most

It hurts that even we have spent our days together, deep inside he is regretting it. He regrets to be with me. He regrets to spend his days with me. He regret that I became his girlfriend. He lied. He broke his promise and now he is forced to be with me. 
 
Every time I see the girl that he wished to be his girlfriend, My feelings are
very heavy and my heart starts to feel melancholy. Everything has changed. Everyday he makes me feel like I should have let him go. That I should have moved on. That I should have stopped and forget my feelings. 
 
For months that we’ve been together, I don’t know anymore whether I can believe him or not. He’s too much to handle now and the thought that he regret to be my boyfriend pierces my heart into pieces.
 
 – I just can’t forget his words that he said to that girl. That he wished to be her girlfriend. 
 
Is there any feelings that is more painful than this ?..
 
And now, I get lonely and furious every time I think of their conversation. I guess nobody really likes to be with me in terms of being in a relationship.
**sign**

Things I should have said

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there are things i never got
to tell you and i convince myself
every single day that i didn’t
have the chance, that i never had
the chance to let you know
but the truth is,
i never had the courage to.
i could only utter them
in my dreams and whisper them
in the darkness of the night.
i could only wish that the
corners of my room could keep
all my secrets and that the walls
wouldn’t shake from the weight
of my confessions on its shoulders.
i could only stare at the ceiling and
wonder about you
and how you could consume the entirety
of my thoughts.
and even after all those 3 ams i almost
called to tell you but ended up
pulling my words back into my mouth,
i still wonder.
i still think of you.
i still ask myself
of what we could’ve been,
if i had told you.
because you are
my greatest what if,
my biggest almost.
and i never had the
courage to let
you know.
– Kai Masa

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

I do not own the anime nor the photo, audio or videos used here on my blog. All rights reserved to the Mangaka, Publisher and the real owner of all the sources I used here on my blog. The intended purpose is for entertainment only.

Love will find a way

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In a perfect world
One we’ve never known
We would never need to face the world alone

They can have the world
We’ll create our own
I may not be brave or strong or smart
But somewhere in my secret heart

I know
Love will find a way
Anywhere I go
I’m home
If you are there beside me

Like dark turning into day
Somehow we’ll come through
Now that I’ve found you
Love will find a way

I was so afraid
Now I realize
Love is never wrong
And so it never dies

There’s a perfect world
Shining in your eyes
And if only they could feel it too
The happiness I feel with you

I just know love will find away …

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

I do not own the anime nor the photo, audio or videos used here on my blog. All rights reserved to the Mangaka, Publisher and the real owner of all the sources I used here on my blog. The intended purpose is for entertainment only.

Maybe in our next life

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I tried to say goodbye but when I see you cry,
I wish that I could be the one to dry your eyes.
My heart it breaks, I just can’t let you know,
You are my everything, I just can’t let you go.

I hid my love for you, you’ve been the one right from the start.
But if you knew, I thought we’re only dream apart
So I held my breath for just a little longer
Please stop and come to me.

I tried to let you go, you could never understand.
I wish I could be the one to take your hand
But now it’s over, I have no more tears to cry
Still, when I’m all alone, I feel you by my side.

You’ll always be the one
I think about you day and night
So I close my eyes
And step into this nightmare.

Will you fly away, so I’ll forget the day
I can’t erase our love,
my memories of you
I’ll give you everything cause you captured my heart.

Baby, can you hear me
Please don’t take her hand
Cause you should be mine, I’ve been waiting.
Can’t you understand?

When the music plays, I will vanish
You will never be by my side now.
And every sleepless night, I pray
I was dreaming, hoping this will all pass…

I’ll see you in your wedding day …

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

I do not own the anime nor the photo, audio or videos used here on my blog. All rights reserved to the Mangaka, Publisher and the real owner of all the sources I used here on my blog. The intended purpose is for entertainment only.

To the person I love … but cheated on me ..

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I am emotionally unstable.

I know I’ve said this a million times …
“I love you so much, I don’t want to let go …”

I wanted you to love me the way you loved me the first few days we’ve spent together. I’m not saying that I didn’t like the “YOU” right now. I love everything about you, sweetheart. Your flaws, your changing attitudes and even your different personalities. I just love you so much. When I met you, I never thought that you’d play an important role in my life. I thought I’ll just love you temporarily and that sooner or later you will become stranger again, but I was wrong. I’ve never felt this much love before. I can’t even explain why I am feeling this strongly towards you.

Baby, you were exactly the epitome of my dream. When we started dating, it’s like I am dating the vague guy I have been creating in my mind. I love how you randomly kissed my hand and forehead, the way you played with my hair, how you got angry with what I wore, how you urged with work stuff, how dedicated you are to your job, how playful you are when we are on the stairs on our way to the Pantry during breaks and lunch, random kisses at the locker area,how you sweetly pleaded me to make your coffee, how you obnoxiously clapped and shouted when your team in DOTA wins, how you always messed up your pedestal for me to tidy it up, how you defended me when I have escalations at work, the way you tell corny jokes that somehow made me laugh, how you proudly sang songs that sometimes you sound like a dying walrus (well, there are songs that fits your voice..haha), how you want me to see you dance …….. I don’t want to remember it, not that it was awful, it was too funny I could die laughing, how you annoyed me when I want to sleep, how you surprised me with food and stuff in my station, how you kept and cherished every sticky note that I wrote you, random photographs of US, funny dates, when you walked me home holding each other hands while enjoying the night and the street, how you appreciated my simple achievements and the little things about me …

Your face …
Your homey scent …
Your embraces …
Your smile …
Your stare …
Your voice …
Your eyes …
YOU …

Now I sit here, all alone, writing this, feeling lonely while listening to music that reminds me of you. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?

The relationship we had was not the one you promised me. You told me we’d stay together –  where are you now? You told me to be honest and loyal, that I gave you but why did you lie? Did I give you too much love? I fought so hard to make our relationship work despite of me losing my bestfriend and some good friends, I fought so hard to make you happy despite of the heavy feelings I have, I fought so hard so there will always be “US”, I fought so hard but you left me hanging.

I was blinded by your words. I was blinded by your acts. I was blinded by my love for you. It was all “happy days” at the beginning. The surprises, the stuff toys, the scented flower, the coffee dates, the simple dinner we shared, perfect moments that now became sad memories. I still remember when you wrote me the “I love you” note with your signature on it, I was really happy when you secretly threw it in my station. That’s when I felt I was loved. That everything was real. That such happiness exist.

But as days passed by, you were constantly changing, then I saw the “real” you – LIAR.

My only intention was to make you happy for I’ve seen how weak you are. I want to protect you, I want to cherish you, I want to treasure you, I want to stay by your side, I want to comfort you when you’re down, I want to be there always during your sad and happy times but I wasn’t enough for you. I gave you my whole world but you wanted the whole universe.

I knew there was something wrong when we started dating but I put that doubt to the side because I was so in-love with the idea of “YOU”, of “US”. I let my feelings take over. I didn’t mind what other people said since all I heard was you. All I saw was you. I believed in every words you told me. I believed in your love. I believed in your promises. I trusted you when you told me that I’m the only one for you. That after 7 years I was the love you’ve been waiting for. But no – I was just another passing fancy of yours. You took advantage of my love.

What hurts the most was, I was accused for something I didn’t do and before I could even explain the situation myself.I was accused for being your mistress. That I knew you had a girlfriend and yet I continued dating you. Did they even bother asking me? NO. They just jumped into their own conclusion. You see, you were just my crush at first, if I knew you had a girlfriend then I wouldn’t have accepted you in the first place because I am so afraid of karma. But you made me believe in your words of “assurance” and happily I accepted you in my life. I was able to live independently for the last 4 years and I don’t think that few more years would hurt. No. I am used of being alone so NO.

See? Here I am. Alone.

It was so pure at first but you slowly poisoned me. Did you really love me? Yes. I know you did because it was all over your face when we first kissed. That stunned reaction drawn on your face. It was just a fast smack yet you happily talked about it for days. The first time we hugged, it lasted for few minutes yet you excitingly asked me for more every day. The first time you held my hand, you were doubtful yet you were so proud showing it off in the public. The first time you sang your favorite song to me, you were embarrassed yet you dearly smile at me while meaningfully sang each words of its lyrics. Our first dinner, you were so insecure that you hid your face behind the menu yet you delightfully enjoyed the meal when it was served. Remember when I stole kisses from you in each corner of the office and you always get dazed? Your eyes that sparkles every time you look at me?  The exchange “I love you” even at far distance?  They are all now memories.

I miss you.

But what am I for that 7 years of yours? I only lasted for 3 months.

I want to hurt you. I want revenge. I can even blackmail you but no because once upon a time, you made me very happy.

Thank you.

Thank you that even I knew you were lying, you exerted effort to make me happy.
Thank you that even I knew you were lying, you never neglected me or our relationship.
Thank you that even I knew you were lying, you made excuses to spend more time with me.
Thank you that even when you harshly treated me before dumping me, you finally became honest.
Thank you that you happened to me.

And we have the same initial … L.J

I’ll be fine. Soon.

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

Ugly resonance

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As i stare at him, everything turns black and white
Like the lonely old piano that got neglected
Memories of him starts to fade and
my mind rejects every piece of him

This merciless emotions that drowns me
with anger and loneliness
reminds me of his lies in April
even so, i desperately cling on to it

The words i wanted to hear but was never said
the things i wanted for myself but was never given
the thought that blinded me
thinking you were mine but never was

The name that once gave music to my ear
now echoes with ugly resonance
as my feelings flow along with these dying notes
i have kept you my love’s sorrow

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

H.I.M

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setting aside my being an “anime fan” ..

So I always thought that there was something romantic about fighting for someone. About winning them back – eventual happiness. But as I sit here with stones in my chest, where hope used to lie, I have come to the realization that there is nothing lovely about having to continuously convince someone to love you, give you their time and attention. I have been breathing but its been long since I was alive ..

Now my skin hides a tsunami strong enough to drown me ..

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

I do not own the anime nor the photo, audio or videos used here on my blog. All rights reserved to the Mangaka, Publisher and the real owner of all the sources I used here on my blog. The intended purpose is for entertainment only.

Link

Watashi no yorokobi

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The warmth of your kiss on my hands
Feelings that overflow whenever I am with you
With unknown emotions that overwhelm my sleepless heart
Makes me want to keep you exclusively to myself

Lost love that I once feared, returned in an instant
Days painted with scintillating happiness
captivates my solitary soul
Still, I get bewildered by that endearing smile

Filled with thoughts that give me vague pain
I always wonder if this will last
While trying to grasp every piece of you
And then hold you in a sweet embrace

Although I always avert my sight, I’ve always wanted
To stare at your eyes that’s full of tenderness
And this embarrassment && excitement that lose my self-confidence
Made me realize how loved I am …

My whole life from now on seems to start and end with you …

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

SeCi

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The Pain that carved my soul
The memories of the agony and miseries
Silent my scream and thorn my heart
Can’t escape this never ending goodbyes

Beloved but can never be one
Because happiness has no room
For thy mourn and sorrow
Fills the temporary desires of this empty soul

Longing to just be with you
Even if it’s in the darkest corner
I will feel safe in the warmth
Of your most dangerous smile

Sanity that conquers my everything
Seen by those vicious eyes
Spiced with bitter sweet illusion
Of you and me

This is dedicated to Sebastian && Ciel

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •