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I am emotionally unstable.

I know I’ve said this a million times …
“I love you so much, I don’t want to let go …”

I wanted you to love me the way you loved me the first few days we’ve spent together. I’m not saying that I didn’t like the “YOU” right now. I love everything about you, sweetheart. Your flaws, your changing attitudes and even your different personalities. I just love you so much. When I met you, I never thought that you’d play an important role in my life. I thought I’ll just love you temporarily and that sooner or later you will become stranger again, but I was wrong. I’ve never felt this much love before. I can’t even explain why I am feeling this strongly towards you.

Baby, you were exactly the epitome of my dream. When we started dating, it’s like I am dating the vague guy I have been creating in my mind. I love how you randomly kissed my hand and forehead, the way you played with my hair, how you got angry with what I wore, how you urged with work stuff, how dedicated you are to your job, how playful you are when we are on the stairs on our way to the Pantry during breaks and lunch, random kisses at the locker area,how you sweetly pleaded me to make your coffee, how you obnoxiously clapped and shouted when your team in DOTA wins, how you always messed up your pedestal for me to tidy it up, how you defended me when I have escalations at work, the way you tell corny jokes that somehow made me laugh, how you proudly sang songs that sometimes you sound like a dying walrus (well, there are songs that fits your voice..haha), how you want me to see you dance …….. I don’t want to remember it, not that it was awful, it was too funny I could die laughing, how you annoyed me when I want to sleep, how you surprised me with food and stuff in my station, how you kept and cherished every sticky note that I wrote you, random photographs of US, funny dates, when you walked me home holding each other hands while enjoying the night and the street, how you appreciated my simple achievements and the little things about me …

Your face …
Your homey scent …
Your embraces …
Your smile …
Your stare …
Your voice …
Your eyes …
YOU …

Now I sit here, all alone, writing this, feeling lonely while listening to music that reminds me of you. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?

The relationship we had was not the one you promised me. You told me we’d stay together –  where are you now? You told me to be honest and loyal, that I gave you but why did you lie? Did I give you too much love? I fought so hard to make our relationship work despite of me losing my bestfriend and some good friends, I fought so hard to make you happy despite of the heavy feelings I have, I fought so hard so there will always be “US”, I fought so hard but you left me hanging.

I was blinded by your words. I was blinded by your acts. I was blinded by my love for you. It was all “happy days” at the beginning. The surprises, the stuff toys, the scented flower, the coffee dates, the simple dinner we shared, perfect moments that now became sad memories. I still remember when you wrote me the “I love you” note with your signature on it, I was really happy when you secretly threw it in my station. That’s when I felt I was loved. That everything was real. That such happiness exist.

But as days passed by, you were constantly changing, then I saw the “real” you – LIAR.

My only intention was to make you happy for I’ve seen how weak you are. I want to protect you, I want to cherish you, I want to treasure you, I want to stay by your side, I want to comfort you when you’re down, I want to be there always during your sad and happy times but I wasn’t enough for you. I gave you my whole world but you wanted the whole universe.

I knew there was something wrong when we started dating but I put that doubt to the side because I was so in-love with the idea of “YOU”, of “US”. I let my feelings take over. I didn’t mind what other people said since all I heard was you. All I saw was you. I believed in every words you told me. I believed in your love. I believed in your promises. I trusted you when you told me that I’m the only one for you. That after 7 years I was the love you’ve been waiting for. But no – I was just another passing fancy of yours. You took advantage of my love.

What hurts the most was, I was accused for something I didn’t do and before I could even explain the situation myself.I was accused for being your mistress. That I knew you had a girlfriend and yet I continued dating you. Did they even bother asking me? NO. They just jumped into their own conclusion. You see, you were just my crush at first, if I knew you had a girlfriend then I wouldn’t have accepted you in the first place because I am so afraid of karma. But you made me believe in your words of “assurance” and happily I accepted you in my life. I was able to live independently for the last 4 years and I don’t think that few more years would hurt. No. I am used of being alone so NO.

See? Here I am. Alone.

It was so pure at first but you slowly poisoned me. Did you really love me? Yes. I know you did because it was all over your face when we first kissed. That stunned reaction drawn on your face. It was just a fast smack yet you happily talked about it for days. The first time we hugged, it lasted for few minutes yet you excitingly asked me for more every day. The first time you held my hand, you were doubtful yet you were so proud showing it off in the public. The first time you sang your favorite song to me, you were embarrassed yet you dearly smile at me while meaningfully sang each words of its lyrics. Our first dinner, you were so insecure that you hid your face behind the menu yet you delightfully enjoyed the meal when it was served. Remember when I stole kisses from you in each corner of the office and you always get dazed? Your eyes that sparkles every time you look at me?  The exchange “I love you” even at far distance?  They are all now memories.

I miss you.

But what am I for that 7 years of yours? I only lasted for 3 months.

I want to hurt you. I want revenge. I can even blackmail you but no because once upon a time, you made me very happy.

Thank you.

Thank you that even I knew you were lying, you exerted effort to make me happy.
Thank you that even I knew you were lying, you never neglected me or our relationship.
Thank you that even I knew you were lying, you made excuses to spend more time with me.
Thank you that even when you harshly treated me before dumping me, you finally became honest.
Thank you that you happened to me.

And we have the same initial … L.J

I’ll be fine. Soon.

(¯`v´¯)
.`•.¸.•´ ★
¸.•´.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´(¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`* ♥ L.Jiin •۰• •

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